Many years ago I was in a
place of very deep despair. I do not recall ever before, or since, feeling quite
as hopeless as I did during that time of my life.
There were reasons for my
feelings, but they are not relevant now.
However, I can still very vividly recall how I felt. I considered myself
a worthless failure. I felt and thought myself to be useless; a useless person,
a useless Christian, and most certainly a useless minister, father and husband.
I said that the reasons I felt
that way are no longer really relevant. They were specific to my situation then,
and peculiar to me and my experience. But I suspect that the feelings I
experienced are fairly commonplace. My pastoral experience suggests that very
many people go through periods of time, or specific experiences during which
they feel hopeless and despairing.
The reasons will differ from
person to person; a sudden and unexpected ‘loss of faith’, a crisis of health,
relationship or finance, bereavement, a serious moral failure, a major
misjudgement and so on and on.
Whatever the reasons, many,
if not most, people will have experienced times of utter despair and
hopelessness. The Psalmists certainly did, and we do not get too far in reading
through the psalms before we encounter expressions of despair and the loss of
hope.
‘My soul is cast down within
me... I say to God, my rock “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I walk about
mournfully...?” Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted
within me...’ (Psalm 42).
Sound familiar?
All these years ago, when I
was at my lowest point I had to take our son to a music exam. While he went in to
sit his examination, I sat waiting outside in the car. As I sat there, I found
myself sinking further and further into my inner gloom. The waves of
worthlessness and hopelessness broke over me. I was close to panicking.
To distract myself I turned
on the radio. The next song that was played was Peter Gabriel’s 1986 hit ‘Don’t
give up’ on which Kate Bush also sings. The song expresses a deep sense of loss
and failure. I felt that it was for me. And as Kate Bush sang the words ‘Don’t
give up’ I felt that God was speaking to me.
I had not felt much of God’s
presence for some time at that point. But I heard these repeated words as if
they wereGod’s words to me ‘Don’t give up’.
As I sat in the car in tears,
for the first time in weeks, a little spark of hope was born.
In Psalm 42 the psalmist goes
onto say ‘Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.’
And why am I remembering and
writing all this today? Well, I suppose because on occasion I hear the echoes
of that despair and hopelessness from so many years ago. A cloud passes over
and I reminded of the deep darkness I experienced.
Today is one such day.
But the memory of listening to
that song and the message of the psalm also come back to me, and a ray of hope
shines through the cloud.
Don’t give up.
And perhaps that might also
speak to someone reading this blog today.
Don’t give up.
