I know how you feel

‘I know how you feel’.

How often we say it. How often we hear it. How often we are told it.

‘I know just how you feel...’, ‘...exactly how you feel...’, ‘yes, it is just the same for me...’ and so on.

I am quite sure that it is usually meant to be reassuring and it is certainly true that it can often help a person facing an issue to know that they are not entirely alone in facing it, struggling with it, worrying about it or whatever.

But few of us find the assertion ‘I know how you feel’ to be entirely helpful. Often quite the opposite.

For, of course, none of us knows, or can presume to know, just how another person feels. We do not share their experiences, circumstances or struggles.

As someone who has a chronic medical condition, I find it particularly unhelpful when someone tells me that they know exactly how I feel. People mean well, I think. But it really does not help.

As is the case with many other chronic health issues, multiple sclerosis has many different symptoms and often (in my case, usually) these can be hidden... invisible to the casual observer.

And, again like many other chronic health conditions, one of the main ‘hidden’ symptoms is fatigue. No, not simply tiredness, nor the exhaustion of having worked hard, nor the sleepiness that comes at the end of a day (or even during the day!). But a sick fatigue, a complete (and sometimes sudden) draining of energy which is utterly debilitating and sometimes physically and mentally paralysing. In my case it is sometimes (but not always) accompanied by ‘cognitive dysfunction’ ... brain fog.

Now just in case anyone who reads this is thinking of running to the phone, coming round with some chicken soup, writing a card or sending me a message or whatever, do not get the wrong idea! I am not talking about how things are at the moment. By and large I am fine just now. No panic!!

But even when I am fine, this fatigue can unexpectedly overtake me and I find I have to pull out of commitments, engagements or plans (whether work or social) at the last minute. I hope that most people understand that this is relatively rare, that I do not pull out of things lightly, that it is utterly frustrating and not at all desirable, and that by managing my energy resources in this way I am more likely to recover quickly and return to normality sooner. I think most of those with whom I work and minister and those who are my friends do understand this, and I am grateful.

I find I need that level of understanding from others. The constant balancing act, monitoring and conserving of my energy resources can sometimes feel a wee bit lonely and I can get it very badly wrong on occasion! So all the support I get is more than appreciated and is part of what allows me to continue to work and to minister (I hope with some degree of acceptance and fruitfulness!)

However, when someone says ‘I know just how you feel’, I feel my spirits sink. For (usually) I don’t think they do.

‘I know just how you feel, I was so exhausted when I got home from work the other day...’. No, that’s not what I am describing. I have felt that too. But this is not that!

‘I know just how you feel, ever since I turned 50/60/70 (delete as appropriate!) I have felt so tired and needed to have a wee snooze after lunch’. Yes, I can feel that too. But this is not that!

‘I know just how you feel, I had a stinking cold last week and just felt so drained...’. Well, to be fair, that is much closer to the experience... but not quite. This is not that!

When I attend the MS Therapy Centre for a session of oxygen therapy in the hyperbaric chamber, sometimes the group of us who are going ‘under pressure’ in the chamber chat a bit about our experiences. Two common themes are a) this experience of fatigue, and b) the fact that other people think they understand when they really do not.

When speaking to friends who have various chronic conditions or in offering pastoral support to others, I discover that this ‘sick fatigue / brain fog / energy drain’ is common in many conditions other than MS.

My point in writing this is not to claim anything unique for MS, still less to suggest that I am alone in facing this fatigue (clearly I am not!) nor yet to seek a sympathy vote.

My aim is to encourage us all (including me) to avoid the instant ‘I know just how you feel’ response. We don't.

It is so much more helpful, supportive and encouraging if we simply listen and – even if we do not fully understand what the other is experiencing– seek to be accepting of their situation and understanding of (for example) last minute call offs.

You really do not need to know ‘exactly how I feel’ to be a much appreciated friend and support. If you are really interested I would try my best to explain, though I would not wish to bore you.  But I do feel encouraged and supported when you hear me signal I am not doing too well, and support me in that, and understand when I need to suddenly step back.

Thank you to those who do! It is appreciated.

And because I recognise that I can be very poor at doing this for others (and can be too quick to suggest that ‘I know exactly how you feel’!) I am sorry if I have ever said that to you!

I will try and do better from now on...

Bitterly Divided

I am worried at how divided we have become and are increasingly becoming.

Whatever views we may have taken regarding the EU referendum, it is alarming that so much bitterness and vitriol and (in some cases) hatred has been uncovered and unleashed. I find it truly disturbing.

Almost everyone is somewhat cynical about politics and politicians, and I suppose that is nothing new. But the way in which people rather than policies are attacked and the irrelevant personal nature of some of these attacks is far from healthy or good.

And in wider society, the tendency to blame all our woes on ‘them’ (who ever the ‘they’ may be!) risks deeply dividing and fracturing our whole society.

And if it is bad in the UK, then it is no better in the USA as we have observed during the recent Presidential Election campaign. And there too it seems that something rather unpleasant has been unleashed within that society by way of hatred and tension.

I am not suggesting that those on either side of the debates in the UK or the USA necessarily or consciously intended the unleashing of hatred and tension. I hope they did not, and doubt that they did. But these worrying negative outcomes have nonetheless emerged (and many observers are far from surprised).

So what (if anything) is the role of the church in all of this?

Well, if the peacemakers are called ‘blessed’ and if reconciliation and the breaking down of dividing walls are to be seen as part of our mission then we surely do have a role.

Except... in the church we too are divided, and in our divisions we can seem to the public to be just as vitriolic as any other group in society. I do not mean denominational divisions – at least not solely or mainly these. The ‘fault lines’ are no longer solely or even primarily denominational.

The division now seem to be over theology, interpretation, Christian ethics, the nature of mission and so on. And of course the issue of sexuality has been the most obvious of late.

And yet, from what I know of colleagues and discussions and friendships within the church, the divisions are not as deep, nor as stark and nor as widespread as it may seem from public debates and media coverage. Which also makes me wonder about the national, political and societal divisions.

Division and disagreement makes for good entertainment. How much is the media to blame?

But how much also are politicians and commentators and church people to blame for the perception of division. We play the game in public... opposing views, staged debates, confrontational disagreement, in the TV studio or the Parliament or the newspaper column or the General Assembly or on Facebook etc etc.

I know the church, and I know that even those who bitterly disagree on some of the issues and who would be passionate in that disagreement in the debates at Assembly or Presbytery, nevertheless (mostly) can treat one another gently and respectfully as brothers and sisters in Christ when in private. Love wins... but why is it not seen to win?

It is even more marked in the arena of politics. The disagreements and debates can be offputtingly robust... and yet when some of these politicians get together away from the set piece, stage managed debates, out of sight of the TV cameras, they are perfectly civil, friendly and sociable with their political opponents. I know this, for I have frequently witnessed it.

But the public perception is different and it all plays into the hands of the media who love the entertainment of heated debate. And that just increases the cynicism of the public. Recent election and referendum results do suggest that the public is eager for some kind of change from ‘business as usual’.

Can we in the Church not find better ways of having our disagreements so that we might publicly model something different? Of course the danger is that we would become increasingly irrelevant to a media searching out scandal and interested only in sharp disagreements. But perhaps irrelevance would be better than shooting ourselves in the foot. And just maybe someone would notice that we have found a better way of handling the spectrum of views that exist in all human groupings.

And that may (just may) have a more positive effect on the wider discourse in society than we imagine.

A ‘mustard seed’ perhaps?