I know how you feel

‘I know how you feel’.

How often we say it. How often we hear it. How often we are told it.

‘I know just how you feel...’, ‘...exactly how you feel...’, ‘yes, it is just the same for me...’ and so on.

I am quite sure that it is usually meant to be reassuring and it is certainly true that it can often help a person facing an issue to know that they are not entirely alone in facing it, struggling with it, worrying about it or whatever.

But few of us find the assertion ‘I know how you feel’ to be entirely helpful. Often quite the opposite.

For, of course, none of us knows, or can presume to know, just how another person feels. We do not share their experiences, circumstances or struggles.

As someone who has a chronic medical condition, I find it particularly unhelpful when someone tells me that they know exactly how I feel. People mean well, I think. But it really does not help.

As is the case with many other chronic health issues, multiple sclerosis has many different symptoms and often (in my case, usually) these can be hidden... invisible to the casual observer.

And, again like many other chronic health conditions, one of the main ‘hidden’ symptoms is fatigue. No, not simply tiredness, nor the exhaustion of having worked hard, nor the sleepiness that comes at the end of a day (or even during the day!). But a sick fatigue, a complete (and sometimes sudden) draining of energy which is utterly debilitating and sometimes physically and mentally paralysing. In my case it is sometimes (but not always) accompanied by ‘cognitive dysfunction’ ... brain fog.

Now just in case anyone who reads this is thinking of running to the phone, coming round with some chicken soup, writing a card or sending me a message or whatever, do not get the wrong idea! I am not talking about how things are at the moment. By and large I am fine just now. No panic!!

But even when I am fine, this fatigue can unexpectedly overtake me and I find I have to pull out of commitments, engagements or plans (whether work or social) at the last minute. I hope that most people understand that this is relatively rare, that I do not pull out of things lightly, that it is utterly frustrating and not at all desirable, and that by managing my energy resources in this way I am more likely to recover quickly and return to normality sooner. I think most of those with whom I work and minister and those who are my friends do understand this, and I am grateful.

I find I need that level of understanding from others. The constant balancing act, monitoring and conserving of my energy resources can sometimes feel a wee bit lonely and I can get it very badly wrong on occasion! So all the support I get is more than appreciated and is part of what allows me to continue to work and to minister (I hope with some degree of acceptance and fruitfulness!)

However, when someone says ‘I know just how you feel’, I feel my spirits sink. For (usually) I don’t think they do.

‘I know just how you feel, I was so exhausted when I got home from work the other day...’. No, that’s not what I am describing. I have felt that too. But this is not that!

‘I know just how you feel, ever since I turned 50/60/70 (delete as appropriate!) I have felt so tired and needed to have a wee snooze after lunch’. Yes, I can feel that too. But this is not that!

‘I know just how you feel, I had a stinking cold last week and just felt so drained...’. Well, to be fair, that is much closer to the experience... but not quite. This is not that!

When I attend the MS Therapy Centre for a session of oxygen therapy in the hyperbaric chamber, sometimes the group of us who are going ‘under pressure’ in the chamber chat a bit about our experiences. Two common themes are a) this experience of fatigue, and b) the fact that other people think they understand when they really do not.

When speaking to friends who have various chronic conditions or in offering pastoral support to others, I discover that this ‘sick fatigue / brain fog / energy drain’ is common in many conditions other than MS.

My point in writing this is not to claim anything unique for MS, still less to suggest that I am alone in facing this fatigue (clearly I am not!) nor yet to seek a sympathy vote.

My aim is to encourage us all (including me) to avoid the instant ‘I know just how you feel’ response. We don't.

It is so much more helpful, supportive and encouraging if we simply listen and – even if we do not fully understand what the other is experiencing– seek to be accepting of their situation and understanding of (for example) last minute call offs.

You really do not need to know ‘exactly how I feel’ to be a much appreciated friend and support. If you are really interested I would try my best to explain, though I would not wish to bore you.  But I do feel encouraged and supported when you hear me signal I am not doing too well, and support me in that, and understand when I need to suddenly step back.

Thank you to those who do! It is appreciated.

And because I recognise that I can be very poor at doing this for others (and can be too quick to suggest that ‘I know exactly how you feel’!) I am sorry if I have ever said that to you!

I will try and do better from now on...