Acknowledging and Accepting

 

In my previous post which referenced my laptop disaster I made mention of the fact that I can no longer keep up with technology and this has been part of what has led to a conclusion that my days as a full-time active Minister are now numbered.  

And in an earlier post I acknowledged that (like many others) I am experiencing a bit of what I termed ‘COVID-malaise’.

I am putting both of these things down as ‘markers’ of a kind; a way of acknowledging that my current feelings may in part be affected by this malaise and may also have been triggered a bit by some technological failures. But, even taking these into account, I have spent some time in fairly sober and level-headed reflection in these pandemic months.

Now, in truth, I was always likely to be looking towards retirement at this stage. I have reached that age where one begins to count in terms of months and not years until retirement. However, before the virus hit us, I had been wondering about going on for a few years beyond retirement age, weighing up the pros and cons and so forth. At no point was I imagining that I might not be the right kind of Minister for the future or for the church that now needs to emerge. On the contrary, I thought I still had my finger on the pulse, still understood the issues, still had a vision for the new kind of church that will come to birth in the years to come.  

I no longer think that.

This is not simply about technology (although that plays a part). It is also about creativity and imagination. I observe my younger colleagues coming up with excellent and innovative ideas and effectively implementing these even in these restricted times and I realise that while I can readily see that their ideas are very good, I can also see that I was nowhere near even beginning to come up with such creative ideas. Indeed, I no longer have any clear vision as to what the future of mission , worship, pastoral care and so on will look like. The game has changed, the rules have been re-written and I – who think I have been and continue to be very creative in approach – no longer fully grasp what is going on.

 

That thought came to me as I was watching rugby this past weekend. I was listening to what the commentators were saying about the game, the tactics, the rules infringements and so on, and remembering that there was a time when I played rugby as a schoolboy. The difference between school rugby and international rugby is, of course, immense! But it is not simply that. The rules have changed, the scoring has changed and the strategy and tactics have changed too… beyond all recognition really. A few years ago I was in conversation with someone who had been a Scotland International player back in the day and he said that he struggled to understand the contemporary game.

That’s how I am feeling about Ministry – or at least, how I feel at the prospect of Ministry in the kind of church that I think needs to emerge.

One friend and colleague who has recently retired and who has been thinking similar thoughts to mine, put it this way ‘one of the major reasons for my retirement was the realisation that never mind the answers, I didn't even know what the questions are…’!

Quite.

Added to which I have read too many comments on social media etc by retired colleagues offering advice (usually unsolicited) on how to take the church forward, some of which has made me cringe. (and, just for clarity, there have also been some excellent contributions to debates and resources from retired colleagues! But usually these have been by way of support and encouragement rather than ‘advice’!)

I do not wish to be one of these self-appointed ‘wise people’ telling my younger colleagues how to do it.

This does not mean that I feel I have little to offer in Ministry. Far from it! I will be pleased to offer my support, my prayers, my care… and I hope I will long be able to lead worship and preach etc. But full-time Ministry involves more than that. It involves leadership and vision and more besides, and these now must be the responsibility of the next generation.

So I am now counting the months to retirement and to offering what I can without imagining that I can offer what I can’t!

When earlier this year I began to acknowledge the reality that I have just described it was a bit unnerving and disconcerting. But over these last few months I have come to accommodate this thought and accept it. I feel quite comfortable with recognising that the time is drawing near when I should pass over the baton and start cheering from the side-lines.