On Retirement

 

 

I have not posted on my blog for ages and ages and have still to complete my musings on my musical journey. Sorry about that; I have been too busy retiring! Yes, busy retiring. It is an exhausting business, or it has been thus far. All the desk-clearing, tying up loose ends and so on, followed by the (several) farewell events, then getting the change in finances sorted out, and… and… and…

Then, as soon as I had hit the set date, we headed off for a wee break / family visit, following which I took the opportunity to travel to different Scottish cities and towns to make the time to see friends whom I had not seen for ages… it has been so hectic!

And last week and early this week I was doing what felt very much like work… conducting worship and preaching, preparing for and taking a funeral, attending various meetings and so on. It all felt very much like my pre-retirement life… except… it felt nothing like it!

Inside, something felt different, more free, less pressured.

And now, finally, in these last couple of days things have settled down a wee bit and what I suspect will be a more normal pattern has begun to be established. I walk the dogs in the morning without thinking that I need to get back home to get on with the day, I read books not worrying about what I ought to be doing at the desk, I play with our grand-daughter without feeling the need to check for emails, I listen to music not distracted by tomorrow’s responsibilities, I go fishing without that evening’s meeting or whatever always at the back of my mind.

Yesterday I even struggled to remember what day of the week it was. Bliss!

I hope I may even manage to get back to more regular blogging!

But, I have to say that the biggest change is not what has occurred in these last few days. It was that real sense of a weight lifting from me the very day I retired. And it almost felt like it was a physical weight that had been shed. Even when, in these last few weeks, I have been busy doing ‘normal’ Ministerial type things, that weight has gone. I no longer feel pressured, responsible, nor other people’s expectations in the same way.

I was not expecting this experience, but I am enjoying it!

Of course, while I have retired from being a full-time working Minister, I have not relinquished my ordination! I fully intend to continue to lead worship, preach and celebrate the sacraments (I have already conducted one baptism since retiring). In fact, preparing for and leading worship on a weekly basis is the one thing from Ministerial life that I am currently missing.

But oh how I am enjoying that sense of freedom, ease, lack of pressure, and so on.

I cannot recall the last time in my life when I felt such a sense of well-being, peace and simple joy; a feeling of contentment and being at one with the world.

Music That Makes Me Weep

 

Have mercy, Lord, on me,
Regard my bitter weeping,
Look at me, heart and eyes
Both weep to Thee bitterly.

(Text from St Matthew Passion, Bach)

 

I will return in this blog to chart some more of my journey with music, but I am interrupting it with this little musing about music that makes me cry.

And, there are some songs and pieces of music that almost always cause me to cry; things I cannot listen to without being moved to tears… and it is getting more so the older I get. In certain circumstances, there are a very many songs and musical pieces that can move me deeply, and sometimes to tears. But the following five just about always do this.

 

Erbarme dich, mein Gott, um meiner Zähren Willen! (Bach)

Peter’s aria from Bach’s St Matthew Passion after the cock crows following his denial of Jesus is so deeply moving. (see the translation quoted at the head of this post). While it is set in the context of Peter’s grief at realising that he has so grievously failed Jesus, for me it reflects my own sense of falling short and failing Jesus in so many ways. And it makes me cry.[1]

 

Don’t Give Up (Peter Gabriel with Kate Bush)

I have referenced this song more than once in my blog. It is – for me – so powerful and so moving. Again, it is my own sense of letting people and God down that it speaks to. I first heard it in a situation where I had let others, God, and myself down and when I hear it I am back in that moment, and I can’t stop crying.[2]

 

 

Somewhere (There’s A Place for Us) (Bernstein and Sondheim ‘West Side Story’)

I may post at a later date about the impact that West Side Story had on me (although I did reference it a few posts ago). But this song (and especially when it is briefly reprised at the end of the film by Maria after Tony dies in her arms) is just so terribly moving. It is wistful, poignant, hopeful… and – I would say – spiritual, even theological![3]

 

Symphony Number 6 (Pathétique) (Tchaikovsky)

This last of Tchaikovsky’s works (first performed with the composer himself conducting,  just 9 days before his death) is an immensely passionate and powerful work. But that last movement is the one that always gets to me. So moving! [4]

 

Awaken (from the album ‘Going for the One’ by Yes)

Yes are one of my favourite bands (or – at least – the 1970’s incarnation of them was one of my favourite bands, probably second only to King Crimson, although the similar era Genesis, and Van Der Graaf Generator – whom I am going to see and hear on Saturday evening, also come close). In my view, the best Yes album is ‘Close to the Edge’. But, for me, the best track is this one, from ‘Going for the One’. And it is at the very end (around 14.35) that Jon Anderson sings, in his distinctive voice, these words ‘Like the time I ran away, turned around, and you were standing close to me’. And once again, there I go, and the tears start flowing! Whether I think of these words in terms of human love, or Divine love, they just get to me. I suspect that it is more likely that it touches that part of me that can so easily turn away from God and then find that God is still close.[5]

 

Reading all of this over, I realise that it is an interesting mix of music from very different genres, which fairly well represents the diversity of my musical taste (although no folk or jazz I guess!)

Now, I think I will go and put on some music and have a good cry!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[1] https://open.spotify.com/track/2H4DnggkcJLymT1aYtjkrP?si=83b461340cb7425c

[2] https://open.spotify.com/track/2t77hjgJY4sC9DoX5uaVUD?si=61c4cf9f7aed419f

[3] https://open.spotify.com/track/7DhQXwTYALJHMqoYaVaTFg?si=652f89e48aa24684

[4] https://open.spotify.com/track/37Sx42ecraWiai21ZiW6se?si=83b2df71b0d74c74

[5] https://open.spotify.com/track/5QzZDAATnQhIEQSyktZFEU?si=0412dd69bc33493b

I Keep Singing That Same Old Song

 

‘I keep singing that same old song,

You keep singing it too;

I keep singing that same old song,

Hearing a different tune.’

 

Heavy Jelly ‘I Keep Singing That Same Old Song’[1]

 

 

Christmas 1969 was the day my musical life changed

I was only 13 years old, but in the couple of years prior to that I had become aware of new things happening in the popular musical world. The Beatles – whom I loved – were experimenting with different sounds and approaches, and the music was sometimes becoming complex and ‘alternative’; new bands and artists were emerging including Cream and Jimi Hendrix and so on. And yet, even in the summer of 1969 (as well as watching the investiture of Prince Charles as Prince of Wales on the TV) I was still more interested in the more ‘poppy’ styles that were in the charts. The likes of Marmalade, Amen Corner, Herman’s Hermits, Zager & Evans and so on were the folks I was listening to, and whose singles I was buying.

I am not sure what happened in the course of the autumn of 1969 to begin to change all of that. I think some of my friends were turning towards the bands that played what was now being labelled as ‘rock’ rather than ‘pop’. I think also that some of the artists that were making it to the charts were becoming more interesting to me; David Bowie, Jethro Tull, Fleetwood Mac, etc (the last two of whom released singles that I had bought). Yes, things were changing

I cannot recall who it was recommended to me the LP ‘Nice Enough to Eat’. But it was what was then called a ‘sampler’ album… various artists from a record label (in this case, the Island record label) each of whom had a track on a budget album… and I suspect that word ‘budget’ was also important! I would not have wanted to commit too much to the unknown! In the end, I persuaded my parents that it would be the ideal ‘extra’ Christmas present, and so it happened.

I listened to it on that Christmas Day of 1969.

Some of the bands (though not the songs on the album) were already familiar to me. Fairport Convention, Traffic and Jethro Tull for example. They had already had singles in the charts which I had enjoyed. So it was good to hear other songs from them. Other artists I would become familiar with over the next wee while such as Free and Mott the Hoople.

And what a joy it was to discover for the first time on this album the heavy riffs of Spooky Tooth and the delicate, delightful, tragic talent of Nick Drake! (If you have never listened to Nick Drake’s music, do check it out).

But nothing prepared me for the piece on this sampler album by a band of whom I had not as yet heard – King Crimson. The opening track from their first album was included on this ‘sampler’: ‘21^st Century Schizoid Man’.

This can sound as though I am over-stating the case, but I am not. My life would never be the same again. This piece of music defied analysis yet was utterly enthralling. A heavy rock riff, distorted guitars and vocals, jazzy lines, stunning virtuoso playing, and so much more. From that day (25^th December 1969) until this I have been utterly caught up in the music of King Crimson (whom I last saw in concert in Glasgow just 3 or 4 years ago).

This proved to be my road into Progressive Rock (‘Prog’) and through that, back to jazz, classical and so much more.

I can still recall kneeling by that Garrard record player in our Clarkston semi at Christmas 1969 and realising that nothing would ever be the same for me musically.

And it wasn’t. I never ever bought another record by Herman’s Hermits![2]

 

PS – I still have that original vinyl album from 1969… much worn and scratched, but still in my possession all these years on.

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[1] Heavy Jelly were a short lived fictitious band. In reality they were the band Skip Bifferty recording under a pseudonym in 1969. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skip_Bifferty However, while this song appeared on ‘Nice Enough to Eat’ it sadly is no longer available to stream and so you will be denied its delights!

[2] If, by any chance you would like to have a wee listen to Nice Enough to Eat (or at least those tracks that are available to stream) then try this link on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/playlist/042lmrLg5OBtp6ArRVBJ9d?si=bda778e10b8e43ca

 

Music Was My First Love

 

‘Music was my first love
And it will be my last
Music of the future
And music of the past
To live without my music
Would be impossible to do
In this world of troubles
My music pulls me through’

 John Miles ‘Music’

 

I was intrigued to read in the papers recently that the Pope has an extensive music collection, and a rather eclectic musical taste (one might even say a ‘catholic’ taste?!?). Apparently he is ‘passionate about music’ with his playlist including Bach and Elvis.[1]

Well, I may not have as extensive a collection, but I too am passionate about music and over the last couple of weeks I have been once again reflecting on how significant music has been in my life. It has always been hugely important to me. I have been wondering why.

And so, I will reflect on that a wee bit in some posts on my blog. If music is of little or no interest to you then you might well not wish to bother reading these!

It seems that music has always accompanied me. Not only the songs learned at school, in church and Sunday School, and at my mother and grandmother’s knee. But music was an ever-present part of my life for as long as I can recall. There was always a piano in my home and also in my grandmother’s home. My father was a very good singer indeed. He sang in the church choir, and (along with my mother) in amateur musical performances and so on. Therefore there was always singing in the house as pieces were practised… and often just because people sang! My father later became a professional singer for a while, appearing on stage and on TV, sometimes singing popular pieces, sacred pieces, many Burns’ songs and opera too.

But music all really opened up for me when my parents bought the first record player. It was a Garrard portable which could play 45s, 33s and 78s. I think it looked something like the one pictured above.

Along with the record player, several records were bought; singles and LPs. And thus began my musical fascination and education. The singles included a wide mix: Cliff Richard, the Beatles, Val Doonican, Roger Miller, the Swinging Blue Jeans and so on. The LPs were more my parent’s scene, musicals, Sinatra etc.

At that point, to me, it didn’t matter. It was all wonderful and fascinating. Discernment came later!

To this day I can sing every word of Roger Miller’s ‘King of the Road’ or Val Doonican’s ‘Walk Tall’. Sad really.

But all that music from way back in the day has filled me with many rich memories and I find it helps me place things that happened in my life and in world history. Some of the key events of the 1960’s (Kennedy’s assassination, the Aberfan disaster, Harold Wilson’s election in 1964, the Moon landing, etc) as also the birth of my younger sister, summer holidays , and so much more are somehow linked in my mind with music and place.

I am glad I have the musical memories from back then. My life would be much, much poorer had I not been exposed at an early age to so much music, by so many artists, of so many different styles.

I did not have an easy or trouble-free relationship with my parents – far from it – but for this I can certainly thank them. ‘Thank you for the music’.

Almost all of the music I listened to as a youngster I enjoyed at the time (even if I would not listen to some of it now). But there was some music that stirred a deeper interest and curiosity in me.

I began to be captivated by some of the musicals that my parents had on LP (or sang in amateur shows). Not so much the familiar Oscar and Hammerstein shows (which were ok, I guess), and certainly not the Gilbert and Sullivan operettas that irritated me even then (and irritate me much more now!). It was the likes of ‘Guys and Dolls’ and, more so, ‘West Side Story’ that caught my attention.

Frank Sinatra also really impressed me and I especially remember the wonderful album of Frank Sinatra and Count Basie. I am wondering now if that is where the seeds of my love of jazz may have been sown.

Amongst the contemporary pop singles in our collection, while I listened to them all, I found the rawer and rockier sound of the Swinging Blue Jeans and ‘Hippy, hippy shake’ particularly appealing.

But more than anything it was the Beatles who connected with me. With their early singles there began a fascination, appreciation, and even obsession which lasts until this day.^[2] I think that even as a young child I realised and recognised that the deceptive simplicity of these early singles even then hinted at a talent and creativity which transcended the passing, pop star image.

I have the most vivid memory of lying on the sitting room floor at home in 1963 and watching he Beatles perform at the Royal Variety performance on TV. Their final song, ‘Twist and Shout’ really impressed this wee seven year old.[3]

Between the Beatles, ‘West Side Story’, Sinatra and Basie, opera, and church music, a wee fire was being lit within, and even then I knew that music would live with me as a key part of my life. 

 

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[1] https://cathstan.org/news/culture/pope-s-music-library-contains-nearly-2-000-cds-includes-elvis-and-piaf 

[2] A few years later, at Christmas 1968, my father had progressed sufficiently in singing and entertainment to be cast in that year’s pantomime at the Kings’ Theatre in Glasgow which starred Kenneth McKellar; ‘The World of Jamie’. One of the co-stars (whom my father was understudying in addition to his main role) was the comedian and entertainer Nat Jackley who had appeared the previous year in the Beatles film ‘The Magical Mystery Tour’.  There being no panto performance on Christmas Day and with Nat having nowhere else to go, my father invited him to ours for Christmas dinner and the poor man got no rest from my insistent and persistent questioning regarding the Beatles!

[3] You can watch this performance here https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/the-beatles-royal-variety-performance-1963-footage/

 

Don't Give Up

 

‘I am a man whose dreams have all deserted …

Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up
We don't need much of anything’

 Peter Gabriel (with Kate Bush) ‘Don’t Give Up’

 I am, by nature, a planner. I like forward planning. I know some people find planning stressful, but I find just the opposite. For me, the absence of forward planning and early preparation leads to stress. To plan, and to look forward and – perhaps – even to dream a bit, is to heighten anticipation. It all offers a welcome foretaste of whatever it is that is coming.

It may therefore be no wonder that those of us who are like that, are finding that the current ‘pandemic-determined’ uncertainty with rapid plan changes can be deeply unsettling and stressful. I have already referred in recent posts to the weariness that can result and the stress of constant decision making.

And now, into all of that situation, on a more personal level, we have had to also handle a very unexpected change in our family Christmas plans. I say ‘change’. I mean really an almost total abandonment! This is not because of Omicron but is due to illness in the family (not Covid-related and not long-term serious, but certainly short-term disruptive).

To say I am disappointed would be an understatement… deflated, distressed, dismayed… and more besides.

Of course, all of this will pass (which I have also said in another recent post). However, it is playing into another deeper vein of disappointment that has been around as I contemplate my imminent retirement. That has to do with the church and its future, what I have been able to contribute (or not) to the life and renewal of the church, the roles I have been able to fulfil, and those I have had to step back from or decline due to health challenges.

As I now look back, I feel that my dreams for the future renewal of the church have not – as yet – come to much. The vision I had for a new way of church emerging has not been realised. And the kind of role I imagined (perhaps rather arrogantly!) I might have in all of that process came to an end some years ago.

I may have had dreams, but God may have had different plans!

I think of Joseph who was planning to get married to Mary. We might well imagine that he had plans and dreams. And then these were all shattered when he learned of Mary’s pregnancy. We can only begin to imagine what he might have been feeling. In the context of his culture and time it would have been beyond devastating.

But it was a different kind of dream that alerted him to God’s bigger plan. As Matthew tells us ‘all of this took place to fulfil what God had said through the prophet.. ‘ (Matthew 1: 22). God had a plan, and this plan had been around for a while! Joseph’s hopes and dreams may have seemed to have been dashed, but there was a bigger plan at work.

Now, I am not suggesting that all the difficult things that we may be facing in these days (as a society, as a church, or individually) are ‘planned’ by God or are his will in the absolute sense. I do not see God as some kind of capricious puppet-master!

But in everything we need to be ready to ask where God is in all that is occurring, to seek to discern his presence in the midst of his apparent absence and distance, to listen to his voice not simply reassuring and comforting, but also directing and revealing.

Perhaps in these kinds of situations there are questions to ask about what God can do, how we discern God’s presence and where we discover his way and will in and through it all.

In the Book of Proverbs (part of the Old Testament ‘wisdom’ literature) it is written:

‘The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps’ (Proverbs 16: 9)

So, don’t give up…

 

POSTSCRIPT: ‘Don’t Give Up’

That song (written by Peter Gabriel and sung by him in a duet with Kate Bush) spoke very deeply to me many years ago when I was on the point of utter despair. I was in the car and the radio was on and on came that song. I sat and wept as it seemed that it was so clearly speaking to me.

Perhaps it will speak to you too?

Peter Gabriel (good surname in this context!) wrote it about a man whose unemployment causes stress in his domestic relationship. The verses, sung by Gabriel, describe the man's feelings of isolation, loneliness and despair; the choruses, sung by Kate Bush, offer words of hope and encouragement.

Here are the lyrics:

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my name, I've changed my face
But no one wants you when you lose 

Don't give up
'Cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good 

Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we'd be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up
We don't need much of anything
Don't give up
'Cause somewhere there's a place
Where we belong

Rest your head
You worry too much
It's going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don't give up
Please don't give up

'Got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river's flowing
That river's flowing

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Don't give up
'Cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
We're proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know it's never been easy
Don't give up
'Cause I believe there's a place
There's a place where we belong

 

Decisions, Decisions

 

‘Did I make the right decision,

did I choose the wrong time?

I can’t seem to make my mind up,

could be I’m just wasting time…’

 

David Denniston ‘Next Time’

 
 
At some point within the next 48 hours some very important decisions are going to have to be made. Those who make them will probably have to do so with only a limited information, weighing up the potential costs and sacrifices, and without any advance knowledge of whether or not the decisions being made are the right ones.
 
I am not an uncritical supporter of any of our current political leaders, but nor do I envy them the decisions they will once again need to make. I may not always agree with them, but theirs is no easy job. I will certainly continue to pray for wisdom for them.
 
Decisions, decisions.
 
Church ministers, elders and congregational leaders are also facing some hard decisions. Many churches have already committed to going ahead with ‘in person’ services over the Christmas period (unless a ban on such gatherings is imposed). Others have resolved to go ‘on line’ only for the time being. Still others have to make a decision over the next day or two. Our congregation is in that final category. We are not sure what to do.

Decisions, decisions.

And many people will be waiting anxiously for any further guidance / advice / restrictions / requirements about festive gatherings and family get-togethers. I am nervous about that too, not least as we had planned our big family get-together for after Christmas when there may be a greater likelihood of some kind of ‘lockdown’ being brought in. So, what should we do? What will we do?
 
Decisions, decisions.
 
Nothing is clear and nothing is easy.
 
And possibly all of this is playing its part in disrupted sleep and anxious thoughts, for me as for many.
 
‘Hear my voice when I call, O Lord, be merciful to me and answer me… teach me your way, O Lord, lead me in a straight path.’ (Psalm 27 vs 7 & 11)

Tired

 

 

‘I'm so tired

My mind is on the blink…

…I’m so tired,

I don’t know what to do…

…I’m so tired,

I’m feeling so upset’

 

The Beatles ‘I’m so tired’

 

 
The other day I was looking back at some of my blog posts from previous years. When compared to this year’s Advent offerings they seemed quite articulate and sometimes almost profound (and at least a wee bit insightful).
 
This year I just have not had the clarity of thought, the energy, or the ideas.
 
I am just a bit washed out and rather tired.
 
Now, I do tend to get quite tired quite a lot. Or, rather, I am prone to periods of health related fatigue. That is not quite the same as tiredness, but it is not easy to properly explain. But there is (as always) some of that.
 
But this is different.
 
This is a tiredness which I suspect is felt by many at the moment.
 
It is the mental tiredness that comes from anxiety about the virus and its variants, the uncertainty about plans, the constant changing and adjusting, the concern about family and loved ones, the absence of much social interaction, the excess of Zoom meetings, and so much more besides.
 
So, dear reader, my apologies for this year’s Advent posts and the absence of any profundity!
 
This tiredness which so many are experiencing at the moment may be affecting my creativity, but for many others it is more severely impacting upon their mental health, and that is more worrying. In these last few days the First Minister has warned of an impending ‘tsunami’ of the omicron variant and the Prime Minister has spoken of a ‘tidal wave’. At the time I thought that these descriptions were a wee bit unhelpful and possibly alarmist. I would rather be presented with the facts than with hyperbole! But now, just a few days on, I wonder if they were correct after all, and perhaps they were not really being alarmist.
 
But the tsunami that I really fear is that of the mental health implications for so many in our society.
 
Meanwhile, in my own less severe weariness and anxiety I am finding comfort and strength and hope in the promise of Jesus – the so-called ‘words of comfort’ ‘Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.’ (Matthew 11: 28).