Letting Go

 

‘But Lord I had to go
My trail was laid too slow behind me…’
from ‘Exiles’ by King Crimson from the album ‘Lark’s Tongues in Aspic’ (1973)

Possibly it is something to do with reflecting on ‘repentance’. Or else it is because I have been preparing a funeral service yesterday and today. Or because I have (once again) been reflecting on ‘moving on’ and ‘seasons of life’.

But, more likely my reason for finding myself challenged by a need to ‘let go’ is because I am struggling to do that very thing!

I imagine that I have moved on, drawn a line under good involvements and experiences, embraced new opportunities in place of the things I had previously valued so much, but which now belong to a past time – and then, lo and behold - there I am again, involved, attending, engaged.

So it is that I seem to have been (and am going to be) in Edinburgh almost every second day in this two week period (and yet I thought I had ‘moved on’ from my attachment to that city and ‘let go’ of it).

Having declared last year that I would not again attend one of my favourite annual events (also in Edinburgh) in which I was so involved for more than 15 years, and where I was able to engage with a cause and with people I loved (but it was time to ‘let go’ and ‘move on’, I told myself and others) nonetheless I found myself attending again this year and contributing a little (and enjoying it thoroughly). But why did I find myself once again there and involved? (Well, of course, it is because I said ‘yes’ or – at least – was not quick enough to say ‘no’ and stick with it). 

I have even found myself (only for a moment, to be fair) seeing church jobs advertised and wondering if I should apply! What?!? Am I mad? I retired almost 3 years ago!

I just can’t seem to let go.

I think this is an emotional issue, a psychological dynamic, and – above all – a spiritual matter. There is something going on within me that fights against moving on and letting go. 

However, I think a big part of that is a failure to create new patterns and engage with new challenges etc. That is part of the pain of managing retirement, I suppose. That sense of ‘what now?’. 

I was chatting to a neighbour a while back. He and his wife are also retired. However, his wife somehow gets herself involved in still doing stuff in schools (she was a teacher). He, on the other hand, enjoys watching sport on TV! While I would not likely watch much sport on TV, to be honest (apart from rugby) I do wonder why I cannot be more like him, but end up being more like her. 

Answers on a postcard please…

Now, I am not saying that having involvement and purpose in retirement (or what passes for ‘retirement’) is a bad thing. Not at all. But hanging onto a past that has gone and will not return, and failing to embrace a new future is not really healthy. 

I guess that this season of Advent, Christmas, and New Year might encourage reflection and action towards embracing the new things ahead… and I get the theory. It is just that I am not so hot on the practice!

I think there are some things of which I still need to let go. I need to work on that… but for now, I must check the time of the service I am going to attend on Sunday evening… in Edinburgh… at my former church that I left almost 9 years ago. 

You see? Letting go… simples!