Time for a Change?

 

‘And then he'll settle down
In some quiet little town
And forget about everything’

 

Gerry Rafferty ‘Baker Street’ from the album ‘City to City’

 

Advent is (for me at least) a time for reflection. In this season I tend to ponder all kinds of things such as my life patterns, beginnings and endings, my spiritual journey and so on.

As I have recently mentioned in a post on this blog, this year these reflections are even more focussed as I continue to appreciate the joys of being a grandfather and look forward to retiring in the near future. There is indeed a lot to reflect upon, ponder and think about.

As any of you who have read earlier posts will also be aware, I have been thinking a lot about the church in this present time of challenge and crisis as we journey through a period of very considerable readjustment and re-formation.

For most of my Ministry, I have been keen to be involved in the life and work of the wider church through active involvement in many of its committees (however termed). That has often been time-consuming and sometimes challenging and difficult, but it has always been a part of my Ministry from which I derived satisfaction and which I have considered to be part of the fulfilment of my ordination vows.

For a variety of reasons, I have not been much involved or engaged in this way for the last few years. I had previously wondered if I might eventually return to some of this involvement, but the combination of the pandemic, the challenges facing the church, and the need for a very radical re-imaging of church for the future had all led me to decide that, when I retire, I will withdraw from all of that and be happy to offer what I can to the church by way of (for example) preaching, prayerful and pastoral support and so on. But I had decided that I would definitely not wish to, plan to, or seek to be involved in any of the governance or decision making aspects of the church’s life.

Amongst the reasons for coming to this conclusion are that my Ministry and my experience of church were shaped in a time that is now passing and I am not sure I can offer much to the emerging vision of a church for the future. I am yesterday’s person, and I do not say that with regret still less bitterness, but simply as a realistic observation with which I am (or was) quite comfortable. Whatever type of church emerges from the present reshaping and realignment should be determined by those still active in Ministry and who understand the needs and opportunities of contemporary culture and society and as they are led by God’s Spirit.

Added to which I am tired… very tired (I may say more of this in a later post). I need a rest; I need to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually refreshed and renewed, and tired old men will not be the answer to the future of the church! I am sure that much of my exhaustion is due to the pandemic, some is due to my health challenges, a great deal is no doubt related to my age but some may also be arising from an unwelcome and unexpected cynicism regarding the church that I have glimpsed within myself and which has surprised me, as I am not usually a cynical person (or – at least – I do not see myself in that way).

But there are also some more carefully considered reasons including the awareness that (as I have previously noted, paraphrasing a friend and colleague, when it comes to the future of the church, I realise that not only do I not have the answers, I no longer even know what questions need to be asked).

And so, I had concluded, the best I can do is gladly embrace retirement, step aside from involvement in the re-shaping of the church, acknowledge that it is for others to step up and get involved, and happily support them as best I can from the side-lines. I will ‘settle down in some quiet little town, and forget about everything’, so to speak.

Except… except… just over the last couple of days I have sensed a wee bit of very unexpected unease regarding this planned course of action. Could I yet have something to offer in terms of the reshaping and re-imaging of the church? Should I seek to still be involved? Might I be able to offer something out of my experience, such insights I might still have, and whatever scraps of wisdom I may have gleaned? After all, I am planning to retire from full-time paid Ministry, I am not seeking to be ‘un-ordained’! So do my ordination vows not still apply?

As things stand at the moment, for all the reasons I have rehearsed, I still am not planning to engage with the governance of the church in retirement, … but I have to acknowledge that there is a persistent wee niggle that will not go away…