‘Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly’
This post is (mainly) not about the virus or vaccines or variants, nor about church, Christianity or Christmas. It is a bit more personal…
The other day I went for a haircut. I don’t much like going to get my hair cut. It is not the process itself that bothers me, and I tend to appreciate the outcome. But I just wish that they’d get on with the job and not feel the need to engage me in inane conversation! That said, on this occasion the conversation was relaxed, natural and entirely pleasant, all of which was as welcome as it was unusual!
But what I really do not enjoy is having to spend so long with nowhere to look but that mirror in front of me which naturally (and alarmingly!) reflects back my own image. As the years go by this experience becomes increasingly uncomfortable. The decreasing amount of hair on top of my head, along with its greying colour, plus the increasing number of wrinkles (and chins!) reminds me all too clearly that the years are advancing.
I remember some 5 or 6 years ago (I was a mere 60 year old at the time!) when I went for a haircut and was staring into the mirror and found myself wondering why my father was staring back at me! And then when I went to pay, the barber quoted me the pensioner’s rate! I was so taken aback that I did not challenge him and paid him the reduced rate requested and left, feeling rather shell shocked.
Time waits for no man.
It is now over 5 years since I left St Cuthbert’s in Edinburgh where I very happily ministered for some 8 years. I loved my time in Edinburgh for all kinds of reasons and I still enjoy my frequent visits to that wonderful city.
A month or two ago when I was back in the city I noticed that there was an interesting exhibition on in St Cuthbert’s and so I ventured in. There I bumped into one of the members whom I know well. She did not recognise me! When eventually I said who I was, she suggested that perhaps it was my hair that had put her off (getting ever greyer, as I said!). But perhaps it was more than that. It is only a few years, but maybe I have aged more rapidly than the passing years. I think I may well have done so!
Then last week I was again in Edinburgh and bumped into another member of St Cuthbert’s in a shop. I said hello, using his name, and he looked blank. He also failed to recognise me! (Now, I do realise that face coverings don’t help, but…!!). He eventually suggested that it may be because I am wearing different glasses. Hmm… or maybe it is just that I am ageing!
(My apologies to these two people who will likely read this and recognise themselves. You know who you are, but I won’t let on!)
The point I am making is that I am realising that I am getting older, and am beginning to come to terms with that fact. Does it bother me? Yes, a wee bit. Not so much the physical ageing (although the occasionally stiff limbs and aching joints do frustrate me on occasion), but my awareness of a loss of mental sharpness. My ability to think quickly and creatively which I have so valued and appreciated throughout my life and my Ministry is not quite what it once was. This loss is neither too serious nor too worrying, but I am aware of it. I miss that ability! It may be health related, some of it is almost certainly pandemic related, however, I think it is also age related.
But that’s ok. There are many positive aspects to growing older and it does not unduly bother me. But it does take a wee bit of getting used to… and to accept… and then embrace.
But I am on that journey, and looking forward to ‘tomorrow’ more than hankering after ‘yesterday’!
So even to old age and grey hairs,
O God, do not forsake me
(Psalm 71: 18)
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